A long, long time ago, in an internet that was… um… this exact one, there was a troll.
They seemed to keep to instagram, and devotedly told me whether they had been able or unable to fap to each of my posts. It was impossible to figure out what would be fapped to and what would be unfappable.
(Fuck, I’m having way too much fun conjugating fap.)
One day a journalist asked me about trolls. Generally, when journalists ask about trolls, it seems like they want to hear about the horror show in a way that feels uncomfortably close to that voiceless-pornstar trope that just refuses to die—the sex worker as unable to speak for themselves meme is more viral than cold sores.
(In case you’re uncertain: We aren’t voiceless. Some of the rest of the world just acts pretty earless when we’re talking.)
So instead of the horror show, I told the journalist about the “fapped to this/no fap” thing. Specifically, how hilarious I found it. I remember saying “What if they find out I enjoy it and that ruins the fun for them and they stop?”
Shortly after, they disappeared.
(This would be a great place for the sad trombone sound.)
I bemoaned this to my friend Chris Steffen, and he started leaving boop, no boop, and can’t boop—as applicable—on my posts. It makes me giggle every time.
Also published on Medium.